


Die, You Old Cow

by kyrrann



Series: IT Crowd Drabbles [2]
Category: IT Crowd
Genre: British Comedy, Comedy, Drabble, Fluff, Gen, Goofiness, Humorous Ending, Janice in Accounting, Reynholm Industries, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 08:23:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8525782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrrann/pseuds/kyrrann
Summary: Roy owes money to Janice in accounting.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written as part of the One Must Die challenge for the All Fandoms FanFiction and Original Fiction Writer's Group.

Maurice Moss was sitting at his desk in the basement typing away at his computer when Roy Trenneman huffed into the room.

“Harumph!” Roy sat down in his chair with a great flourish and put his head in his hands. “I can’t believe it. Can you believe it? The nerve of some people!”

Moss stopped what he was doing and looked over at his office mate. “I think something might be the matter, but I am not sure of the protocol. Hold on a minute.”

Moss began typing something on his keyboard. “My friend looks distraught. What should I do?”

Roy looked up at Moss. “Oh bloody hell, really?”

Moss continued to stare at his monitor. After a few moments, he turned to look at Roy and said stiffly, “Ah, okay, here we go. Excuse me friend, you look like you are having a bad day. Is there anything I can say, slash, do for you?”

Roy threw his hands in the air. “All of the internet at your fingertips and that’s all you came up with?”

Holding up his index finger, Moss muttered, “Wait a minute.” He looked intently at his screen and then looked back over at Roy and stated, “Yes.”

“For cripes sake,” Roy said exasperatedly. “Why do I even bother?”

The door to Jen Barber’s office opened and she walked into the room. “Oh Roy, you look horrible. What’s happened?”

“Why thank you Jen,” Roy replied looking over at Moss and then back to his boss. “It’s nice to know that someone actually cares about my well being.”

“Oh, I don’t really,” the strawberry blonde woman replied. “It’s just seemed the polite thing to say.”

“Gah! Fine then, I’ll tell you anyway.” Roy stood up from his chair. “You know that old woman who works upstairs? The really old one?”

“Which one? Wait, don’t tell me!” Moss opened his desk drawer and pulled out a book entitled _Old Women and Where to Find Them at Reynholm Industries_. He began to flip through page after page of pictures. “Hmm, does she wear glasses?”

“Moss, she’s like 900 years old,” Roy sputtered. “Of course she wears glasses,”

Moss flipped the book shut. “You’re right, that really doesn’t narrow it down at all.”

Jen cleared her throat. “You mean Janice? The one in accounting?”

Roy clapped his hands. “Yes! That’s the one!”

“She’s really nice, isn’t she?” Jen smiled.

Roy frowned and crossed his arms. “No, no she really isn’t.” He pointed at the ceiling. “It seems that Janice up in accounting says I owe her 500 pounds for services rendered.”

Jen stared at him for a few moments before bursting up in laughter. “For services rendered? That’s a good one!” The laughter abruptly stopped. “Wait Roy, you didn’t…”

“Yes Roy,” Moss piped in, propping his elbows up on his desk and placing his chin in his hands. “Tell us!”

“Not those kinds of services!” Roy yelled. “I was upstairs fixing her computer. You know … my _job_! Well she was being particularly frustrating and I said something along the order of _I’ll pay 500 quid to the first person to whack me upside the head and put me out of my misery_.”

“Oh dear,” Jen responded, sitting down on the edge of Moss’ desk. “This isn’t going to end well, is it?”

“And the next thing I know, I’m waking up on the floor of the office and she demands her 500 pounds!”

Moss stood up and put his hands on his hips. “Well, if that just isn’t a right old predicament. Everyone knows that Janice in accounting just doesn't give a flip."

Jen looked back at Moss. “Yes, this is the kind of predicament that only Roy could get himself into.”

“Haha, it's a Roy-dicament!” Moss declared proudly.

“Would you two please shut up?” Roy demanded. “What am I going to do? She won’t leave me alone. Now she’s threatening to go to Mr. Reynholm and get him to take it out of my pay.”

Jen responded, “That’s terrible. He wouldn’t really do that, would he?”

“Oh yes he would,” Roy said, turning to face her. Thrusting his hands in his pockets, he explained sheepishly. “He’s still mad because I accidentally...maybe...might have... kinda sorta...ran over his pet bunny, Mister Carrots, on my bicycle.”

“Not Mister Carrots!!” Moss lamented. “No!!”

Moss began to cry into his hands. Jen walked over to him and gently patted him on the shoulder. “There, there. It will be all right.”

“Isn’t someone going to console me?” Roy asked. “I don’t have 500 quid to give her even if I did, I wouldn’t give it to her, the old cow!”

“Well I’m sorry Roy,” Jen told him, “you’re just going to have to explain it to Mr. Reynholm and hope he agrees.”

The phone rang. Moss popped his head off of his desk and answered. “Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?”

“Fine,” Roy muttered. “‘I’ll go up and see him now, I suppose.”

“Oh I see,” Moss spoke into the phone. “Oh well, that is great news.”

Holding his hand over the receiver he said. “Roy, it seems that Janice from accounting has, uh, gotten herself dead.”

“What?!” Roy got down on his knees. “Hallelujah!”

“Oh wait,” Moss listened again. “No, not dead. She has gotten herself fed.”

Roy’s face dropped. “Gotten herself fed?”

Holding his hand over the receiver again Moss said, “No, no….not fed, she’s gotten herself a sled.”

“For the love of all that is holy,” Roy yelled, exasperated.

“Oh give me that.” Jen grabbed the phone. “Oh, yes. Uh huh. I see. Well, thank you for letting us know.”

She hung up the phone. “Well Roy, it seems that Janice in accounting was being fed some food by her boyfriend while on a sled earlier today.  They crashed into a tree and now she’s dead.”

Roy looked up at her, pouty look on his face. “Really, she’s truly dead this time?”

“Yes Roy,” she replied.

“Not just mostly dead?” he squeaked, pained look on his face.

“No Roy, not mostly dead. Stone cold you don’t owe her any more money dead,” Jen confirmed.

“Yes!!” Roy jumped up, started to dance and pointed to his crotch. “Well slap me silly and call me Betty because I’ve got your 500 quid right here!”

The next thing Roy knew, he woke up on the floor with Moss standing over him. “Okay Betty, pay up!”


End file.
